I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
