I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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