Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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