i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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