You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
