Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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