She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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