if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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