I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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