I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
