you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
