I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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