I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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