I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
