My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
