It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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