So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize