College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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