I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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