im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
