Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
