she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
