my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
