Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
