I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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