Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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