yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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