my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize