u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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