Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize