i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Alive.
So much puke
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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