Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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