is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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