A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
