Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
