I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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