Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
