I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize