Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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