Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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