I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
