Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
