Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize