I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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