we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
