So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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