we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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