i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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