Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize