the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She said her name was "party"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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