I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She told me I should be a condom model.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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