Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
