I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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