i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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