What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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