Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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