Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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