My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
